ladyflowdi asked for "the one where Rodney finds what amounts to the Ancient version of a chastity belt" - hopefully this comes close enough!
Title: Not Exactly a Hardship
Notes: huge thanks to janne_d for looking this over and not beating me too hard over the head for my crappy comment placement.
Opening the door to find Rodney hand-wavey and incoherent is not exactly new to John. What is new is that Rodney’s wearing a heavy, blue bathrobe over what may not be much else, if the bare, hairy ankles and long, pink feet are anything to go by.
“Rodney,” John greets him levelly. “What’s up?”
“Colonel,” Rodney says, marching past John and into the middle of the room. He stops for a second, staring so hard at John that John starts to get freaked out, but before he can say anything Rodney starts waving his hands again, pacing across the tiny distance between, well… one thing and any other in John’s room.
It’s starting to make John dizzy, and on Rodney’s tenth pass (it really is a tiny room), John grabs his arm. “McKay. What?”
Rodney looks at him a bit longer then nods firmly and, as far as John can tell, to himself. “Kiss me,” he says.
John blinks. “Say what?”
“Kiss me.” It’s no less certain and no less fucking weird than it was the first time.
John’s hand is still on Rodney’s arm and John’s not sure that’s a good idea under the circumstances but he takes advantage of it and squeezes Rodney’s bicep. “Rodney, you feeling okay?”
“No,” Rodney tells him, like it should be obvious. “Which is why I need you to kiss me.”
“Because of the renowned healing properties of my mouth?” John asks slowly.
Rodney snorts. Then he leans forward and sort of… smushes their mouths together.
John pulls back after a second, fully intending to demand an actual answer this time, but Rodney follows him, mumbling protests against his lips and, well, it’s kind of too much to resist really and the kiss is better this time, less like Rodney’s mouth is trying to lecture John’s and more like he actually wants to kiss him, soft and slow and thorough. John figures he can get answers in a minute.
Then Rodney’s tongue licks into John’s mouth and John revises his estimate. Maybe two minutes.
Rodney’s a good kisser, a really good kisser; he uses his hands to cup John’s face, to slide into his hair, to cup his hip, uses his shoulders, his greater width to walk them backwards until the backs of John’s calves hit the bed and John knows he should probably be trying to get some answers here, but it’s Rodney so he lets himself be pushed backwards, lies back, maybe goes so far as to grab the lapels of Rodney’s bathrobe and pull Rodney to him when Rodney climbs up onto the bed after him, is maybe the one to initiate the kiss this time.
Rodney’s making soft little noises in the back of his throat by the time they pull apart again and John’s voice is scratchy when he finally manages to get enough breath to make sounds. “Rodney.” Jesus, his voice; he’d be embarrassed about that but it was Rodney who started this so he very firmly isn’t. “What the hell?”
“I-” Rodney starts, then stops. He’s breathing hard and there’s something in his eyes when he looks down at John that John doesn’t understand but feels sort of overpowered by all the same. After a beat, he grabs John’s hand and presses it to his cock. His very obviously soft cock.
John starts to sit up, prepared for this to be over. It’s not like he hasn’t been that guy before, the one who confused straight guys go to for a bit of reassurance, but he’d thought better of McKay.
“Don’t be stupid,” Rodney snaps apparently reading John’s mind. He lets go of John’s wrist, but doesn’t move off him. John toys for a second with the idea of rolling him off and onto the floor, imagines the satisfaction of hearing him hit the ground, but he’s not quite there yet. “I was testing something, okay?”
John doesn’t look at him. “Yeah, Rodney, I get it.”
Rodney shakes his head, flushed and frustrated and John’s always liked that look on him, but he really doesn’t right now. “No,” he says in his best moron voice. “You don’t. Look. I-. Wow, this is even more humiliating than that time when I was fourteen and Jeannie found my porn stash and showed it to Mom. I just- look, I know this is something that apparently happens to every man but it’s never happened to me before and I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t just… though obviously I wasn’t, and-”
“Woah,” John says, holding up both hands. “Are you trying to tell me you’re… that you can’t…?” Apparently neither of them can actually say this. He lowers his voice. “You can’t get it up?”
The blush over Rodney’s cheekbones floods rapidly down over the rest of his face and John has his answer.
“Wow.” John thinks he might be blushing a bit too. He sits up, but slowly, so Rodney has time to back off, sit next to John on the bed. “So, what? Instead of going to Keller you came to me?”
Rodney flaps a hand at him. “I wanted to be sure, before I went and spoke to her. It’s not exactly the sort of thing you want to broadcast if you don’t have to. Besides, I figured that if kissing anyone in this city was going to get me hard, it would be you. So.” He stops, eyes flaring like he’s heard what he just said. John heard it too and he’s finding it a little hard to breathe.
Rodney scrambles up off the bed. “Nothing. Uh, nothing at all. I should go and see Dr Keller. Yes, that’s what I should do. Uh, thanks. Bye. Thanks for the help.”
He’s halfway down the corridor before John catches up with him. “Rodney, wait,” he says, grabbing Rodney’s elbow. Rodney looks around, wide-eyed but, as much as John wants to know, he isn’t going to force this issue here. “I’ll come to the infirmary with you.” Whatever’s going on, this isn’t the kind of thing you let a buddy face on his own.
Keller looks up at them and smiles when they enter the infirmary. “Dr McKay,” she says. “I was wondering when you’d stop by.”
Rodney frowns. “You were?”
“We’ve already had some of Lt Miller’s team in here complaining of-” Keller glances at John, but Rodney waves her on. She drops her voice anyway. “A certain personal problem. I understand you went off-world with them today?”
Miller’s team had asked for Rodney to come look at some Ancient tech while John, Teyla and Ronon were on New Athos. John hadn’t been happy about splitting up the team, but Rodney had been too keen on flaunting his superior knowledge over Miller’s scientist to be persuaded to stay behind. John’s starting to wonder if he should have insisted a little harder.
Rodney swallows hard enough that it’s audible. “And? Um.” His jaw is clenched, but it’s easy for John to see that he’s halfway to really freaked out.
“It’s treatable, right?” John interrupts Rodney to ask Keller.
Keller bounces on her toes a little; it’s people like her who really make John feel old. “Oh, absolutely. We’ve narrowed the cause down to one of the artefacts and there’s no reason to suspect the effects won’t be temporary.” She colours a little. “In fact, Dr Jeffers, who left the planet several hours ahead of Dr McKay, is already feeling… better.”
John nudges Rodney’s elbow, makes himself grin. “See, McKay? You’ll be Casanova again in no time.”
Rodney shoots him an unreadable look then scowls. “Thank you for your concern, Colonel.” He snaps his gaze back to Keller. “Has Jeffers worked out what it is, or do they need me to save the day as normal?”
She smiles, patient and amused. “I think he’s decided it was some kind of social experiment, used at school discos and the like to stop the kids getting amorous.”
John can’t hold back a laugh. “You’re kidding?” he asks, but Rodney’s already shaking his head.
“Of all the ridiculous, imbecilic theories. Where is he? Is he back there?” Rodney scowls, already stalking off towards the back of the infirmary.
John watches him go, bemused. “See you later, buddy,” he calls. Rodney just waves vaguely over his shoulder.
Later happens after about an hour. It’s late but John can’t sleep, which really doesn’t surprise him. His (unhelpful) brain is constantly replaying the feel of Rodney’s mouth on his and he’s hard, which is kind of ironic when you think about it, and it’s almost a relief when the door chimes.
“Thank you for your help with my, uh-” Rodney starts when John lets him in. At least he’s gotten dressed this time; that makes it easier for John to, well, think and other useful things.
“Problem?” John supplies helpfully. “Impotence? Sexual identity crisis?”
Rodney gives him a withering look. “Ha, ha.”
He sits down on the bed and looks up at John, something uncertain about the set of his mouth even as he visibly struggles to keep it belligerent. “John,” he says and John knows he should be used to it by now, but he still can’t help the warm feeling in his gut every time Rodney uses his name.
“Hey,” John says, sitting next to him. “It’s cool.” He shrugs. “Wasn’t exactly a hardship,” he says and feels better when Rodney goes pink. “Point of interest though,” John carries on before Rodney can say anything. “Why did you come to me, not Katie?”
“I-” Rodney says. “We-” He looks completely confused for a second and if John didn’t know better he’d think that Rodney hadn’t even thought of Katie. Then he lifts his chin. “We don’t have that sort of relationship.”
“The sort of relationship where you sleep together?” John asks slowly, because that can’t be what Rodney’s saying, except, “Yes,” Rodney’s saying, “Yes, exactly.”
“Right,” John drawls and tries to decide whether or not to tell Rodney that that’s kind of weird. Eventually he decides on, “As far as I knew, neither did we.”
“No.” Rodney won’t meet his eye. “No, of course not. I’m, uh. I’m sorry?”
John leans over and touches his knee. He’s bad at people, he knows he is, but he thinks he might be better than Rodney is, which kind of makes this his responsibility. “We could.” At Rodney’s sudden, startled look, he hurries on. “Only if you want. It’s cool if you don’t, not a problem, we-”
“I can’t have sex,” Rodney interrupts him, cheeks hot-looking. “I mean not for a few more hours anyway, according to Keller.”
John grins, feeling a laugh bubble up helplessly. “That’s cool. I’ve been told that if anyone’s kisses can make you hard, it’s mine.”
To his surprise, Rodney doesn’t smack him. He just kisses him instead.